The dawn chorus.

When some prick wakes you up in the middle of the bastard night why is it always 2 minutes before the dawn fuckin' chorus? You're woken up, you get out of bed, annoyed, go for a piss, get back in to bed then it starts. The dawn fucking chorus! Like the early stages of the X factor for birds. I swear to God if I had a Gatling gun I'd blow the beaks right of the little feathered fucks. Heat seeking missiles hidden in the chimney. Then I could lie in bed on a totally quiet morning shouting "Who's laughing now, huh, who's laughing now you fuck?". That would help me go to sleep a treat.

One day, birds... One day, my time will come.

People that do 1000MPH to the junction without looking left or right until they have stopped dead…

Because it scares the fuck out of me.

Going for a shit without my mobile phone.

I had to take a dump today without playing quadrapop or flicking through photographs because I'd left my phone down stairs. I'd forgotten how boring taking a dump was without technology to amuse me. I suppose the upside to this is you don't spend half an hour sat there because you've forgotten where you are and have submerged yourself in pictures etc. But as I have nothing to do I might as well waste half an hour taking a dump. I spent the short time I was in there, looking at the imperfections and cracks appearing in the grouting between the floor tiles.

Maybe I should buy a laptop and leave it in the bathroom?

Bruce Forsyth

Annoying, talentless old fool. Isn't it about time he gave up the ghost?

Born 22 February 1928. He can't have long left now can he?

A quick google for his name whilst I write this informs me he's got the flu.

Fingers crossed, eh.

Cats

Smug, little carnivorous, vermin creatures. If they didn't eat the smaller vermin they'd have no point at all.

I say this because I have a cat. Well. The Mrs has a cat which basically means that I have a cat. I hate the way it meows at me for food. I hate the way it rubs itself on my legs when I'm putting his food in to a bowl. I hate the way it appears when I park the car, meowing to go in the house.

They should have short lifespans like insects, that way, they would die when they were still kittens, before the playfulness goes away. An expiry date of 3 months maybe. That way your children won't get too attached...

Arguements on youtube

I mean what the fuck? "My favourite band is better than your favourite band". Christ.

"That song has four notes, so does this song. That band copied this band". Yawn.

"STFU n00b" etc, etc...

Who really cares that a guitar riff recorded in 1983 is similar to a guitar riff recorded in 2008 by the same band. You use youtube so you know the score.

It's a video of some description, just watch it, love it, hate it, favourite it or forget it.

Novelty Socks

Nothing says, "I'm a twat" like pair a novelty socks. It's not my opinion, it's a fact. Duff beer socks, Simpsons' socks, Taz socks, etc, etc they all say "twat".

"I'm whacky and fun" you may think it says. But No. It does, like I've said, say twat.

Socks should be dull and plain where possible.

So when Christmas comes around and your Nan gives you a pair of novelty Christmas socks, take some time out and ask yourself why...